Vicious Recommendation

What's Your Raashee? is not a complete dud. Apart from being an effective cure for insomnia, you will love this film if and only if:
1. You love going to theatres to enjoy the mahaul – the popcorn, the guys/gals, and are addicted to such settings.
2. You are dumb enough to love tuneless, meaningless songs picturised on equally or more meaningless scenarios.
3. You are so bored that you don’t mind watching boringly long films with nothing to offer to kill time.
4. You plan to test the world’s most boring and illogical concepts used in films.
5. You have withstood similar or more difficult boredom tests such as having a nagging spouse/friends/parents/colleagues/etc or a boring colleague who can bore the shit out of you (not literally!).
6. You believe that art is a product of whims and fancies. You would enjoy ‘Arts for art’s sake’ in its truest sense. The humble Ashutosh always aimed for the bouncers… err skies! And the skies are accessible only through faith, not logic.
7. You love a guy/gal but they are in a relationship with some good-for-nothing. Urge the villain to buy the tickets. Your eye-candy will not even wait for the interval of the film to break up with the villain.
8. You have wanted to chat with your better half for a long time. No constructive topic, as you choose to disagree on every topic from food to films to fetish. This is the film for you. You both will happily crib about this film and non-stop for 3 hours 45 minutes. Now that’s quality time – no silly, not for films but for soul-to-soul chats.
9. You want to serve the society. (Don’t give me that How-on-earth expression please). Actually, Ashutosh, being the humanitarian that he is, decided that seeds of great values such as patience and being non-judgmental take time to mature. So, he made a film which worked as a complete package – each passing scene and characters are so obvious and intolerable that they test different levels of patience. By the end of the film, you have withstood and are immune to stress tests. The best part is that people exiting from theatres have a calm yogic smile that can only be achieved with tough penance. Ashutosh made it look so easy and bearable. Hail Ashutosh!
10. You are a believer who sees the Divine Hand behind each design. Believers are a step ahead of determinists. You will realize and appreciate the plausibility of 12 Priyanka Chopras of 12 different sun signs responding to the hero’s (can’t make ‘h’ look smaller than this) profile. While other movie buffs are baffled by the illogical approach you would not even be mildly surprised.
11. You are a Good Samaritan, who cares for the well-being of all associated with the film.
12. You are a karmic yogi, who expects nothing and believes in toeing life’s course.
13. You are God! You will forgive Ashutosh’s sin and bear the pain with a smile.
14. You are Buddha. You will have no desire hence no desire to walk out of the theatre or bash Ashutosh for such trash or kick the hell out of Harman to ensure that he understands he can’t act to save his life.
15. You have been contemplating suicide. You would instantly realize the futility of thinking, which is so well-exhibited by the prime characters and the director himself. You would see how like the film, nothing in life, makes sense. No point applying logic.

Marine Drive Blues

Z+ security spells a bad day for regular junta, what with roads blocks, long diversions, and almost stagnant traffic. Imagine arriving at Marine Drive at 7.15 in the evening - the glory hour - and finding it sans it glory of coochie-cooing couples, hawkers selling wares at almost twice the original price (location tax I believe), click-happy tourists, carefree youngsters, families with kids, and joggers in almost always grossly fitted clothes and/or having really sweet cuddly doggies.
My heart leapt with joy to see that we had the whole promenade, enhanced further with pleasant drizzles, almost to ourselves. Alas! Like the high-low rhythm of the waves, after that leap my heart had to fall with a thud. Within minutes of our reaching there, the Marine Drive signal right outside Jazz By Bay resembled a police ground ready for a mini drill, with almost eight cops managing traffic (read ruining). 'Oh Ok. What now?' that was my first thought.
We ambled to the promenade. It was the first time I had managed to cross both lanes of the busy without running to save my life from sleek, extra-speeding vehicles. More happiness was in store, as we had so many best spots to choose from. The rain was perfect and the clouds were lazily strolling around egged by the gentle wind. A full moon, and I would be at peace. I would have happily chosen that moment to die without any regrets.
But VVIPs and their Z+ security arrangements interrupted my zen-like state. ARRGGH! Sitting on the promenade, I watched cops behave like they were handling some national emergency. Thanks to their diligent efforts, the lane heading towards Chowpatty was completely deserted, except for a few police vehicles, and the other lane was choc-o-block. As I saw luxurious cars honking desperately to move an inch, I realised traffic too is a great leveler*. Well, not really. The VVIP politicians would enjoy a freeway ride while other motorists were stuck. Not very different from how we handle everything in our country. We channelize our resources for the betterment of the privileged, without sparing a thought for the underprivileged.
Just when I was about to feel empathetic towards my middleclass brethren, I saw some slimy brown layer on the water. After much squinting, I realized that the slime was the by-product of our love for Lord Ganesha. Then, at the shore were a host of things from broken beer bottles to cola bottles, from plastic waste to condoms, from chocolate wrappers to gutkha pouches.

With a frown, I sat watching people disturbing lives around them and wondering when would sense prevail. The sea breeze eased the frown and settled my worries. The gentle raindrops changed my reactive ‘Why’ to a reflective ‘Why’.
Only Marine Drive could and can stir the blues and settle them at the same time.