I believe

I am conditioned to think of R Kelly's song 'I believe I can fly'... and yes this is the last installment of the trilogy. Belief is such a big term... I don't know how to dissect it with the minimum experience and worldly gyan that I possess... hmmmm

You know, I can't help putting this down here... before my second innings - the resurrection of my almost-dead blog.. I believed that I couldn't write when I was happy... because I was so busy feeling happy and rejoicing - ya something like I was greedily hoarding all I could and I expressed it through active emotions - like a good laugh, my ear-to-ear grin, by being generous to the power of infinity, etc..
I didn't feel the need to write (which was a passive expression)... I have carried this belief for the last 10 years at least...
The converse also holds true... when I felt let down or sad.. words miraculously flowed from the tip of my pen and my mouth would be shut (it was a relief to many that my motor mouth was shut for a change... albeit short-lived pleasure ;-) )... I coloured the world in gloomy shades and was happy concentrating on the troubles that the indifferent world had piled on me...

The fact that the first two parts of the trilogy are so strong on negative emotions speaks a lot about my belief... I truly don't know where to stop when I digress

Coming back to beliefs... I am a strong believer in positives... And I believe that all complications are a result of our own procrastination to clean up the mess... we humans love complications na... simplicity is just not happening enough ya... In spite of my aggressive take on the losers (ya i have clubbed the fatalist, determinists, sadists, masochists, etc) I still believe we have a chance...

I have to quote Richard Bach (Messiah's Handbook) "Everything is exactly as it is for a reason. The crumb on your table is no mystical reminder of this morning's cookie, it is there because you have chosen not to remove it."

Perfect. It cant get better than this. Sums up what I believe now... You know I learnt a lot from a 'wise man' I met and then when I read Bach... I thought well... I am happy believed him...

Belief is such a strong emotion that a moment of insight can change years of dirt we have collected... it can reform (both for good and bad)... How I wish our growing up would mean that we believed in a better tomorrow... which obviously would stem from a sound past and a steady today... God! am I sounding confused.. well I am...

Coming to another tug of war going in my mind... I am convinced and I believe are they the same thing? I wonder...

I hate...

I had to put this down immediately... One thing that I absolutely hate about people is the way they treat their lives - as if its just a mere bloody existence. I just recollect faintly that saying that goes ' if u wanna know the value of a second ask a ...'. I dont remember the saying but I do remember it reinstated the truth that we should value our stay on this earth and yes its a bonus if we can make it worthwhile...

I have major problems with these bloody fatalists (dont really know if there's such a term - but for me it means a bloody good-for-nothing being who proves to be fatal to his/her own life)... yuck! the thought irrtates me beyond limits...
And the moronic determinists who believe that nothing can be changed... forgodssake! Man I wish I could just kidnap them... go to internet options in them and clear their previous history, pages saved and ofcourse the 'cookies' ... and give them a new perspective.. or probably just pinch them hard and tell them to get a life...

You know these cowards like resting in the cocoon so that they don't have to shoulder the reproach for a life led miserably... Trust me, I have felt the need to just stop being ...to just give up... to stop breathing... to die anonymously (secretly wishing that I could see how many people would shed tears... I know thats typical but thats me)... but one look at the world outside gives me n number of reasons to live ... live well....

The other day I had to visit and be with an uncle who was admitted in Tata Memorial Cancer hospital for a minor surgery... After dealing with our share of apprehensions and worries (we were lucky), I looked out and saw this our kinda middleclass man... carrying his five year old kid... who had bald patches... I just looked and the kid smiled... I didnt read anything into it then... I was having one of my 'how-can-you-do-that?' talks with gods... they seemed to listen silently... I got their answer - again a tough one to deal with answer but absolutely clear in its message...

On my way back, I was in an overflowing compartment in the train... I felt claustrophobic with the many blank stares and iron-maiden composure... bloody hell! I thought this was living... the kid was more alive because though its life was cut short by time limit it had moments... and here were people existing in their everyday worries - strongly believing that the word had gone to the dogs and that life was so tough aand what not - ofcourse with your maid taking a day off, you getting late to work, your son scoring just 82%, and growing inflations...
So these were living a worm-like existence... hardly enjoying the rhythm of every second of the clock, oblivious to how the setting sun is not just about time being 6.30pm but how the sky wears different hues - sky blue to deep blue and then a spill of crimson.. darkening further and giving a fiery look to the sky before melting smoothly into the approaching night....

Ya, I know one more of my philosphy 'jhaading' session... Can't help it. Hate to see life being wasted...

I don't care

...this means I do care and what the heck... 'this whole thing's affecting me so much... that I can't let it be seen'. At least this is what this phrase boils down to where I am concerned. When my elder sis in her adolescent days hated being addressed as 'akka' (sister in Tulu language) and avoided walking with me to school... I angrily retorted 'i don't care' but deep within I was shattered... I didn't see what was the harm in me calling her akka when I had done so for years together... Today I know it was just a phase... and for that matter stubborn that I was I never stopped addressing her thus...

Ya. When I flunked my oh-so-crucial HSc exam... I said the same phrase to myself and the world... and yes everyone had a word of consolation... but trust me... I felt numb with disbelief... With this time-tested formula I have managed to fool myself almost everyday... It works well...

My defence mechanism and I am sure that of many others has helped me put a brave front till now... and trust me I find no harm in this hypocritical cowardice... because its preferable anyday to the truly indifferent attitude that many people have today...

Strangely, we don't care about this that we say we do care about. I shamelessly agree that I take for granted a lot of tiny blessings and huge ones that have been showered upon me... I yap about my family and friends and loved ones... but I have forgotten to care... and for what? in my mad pursuit of happiness... selfish happiness...
Now that the skin-shedding is happening... I feel like I had scalded inners... I was mean because I wanted to possess all that I didnt have and in the process I was ignoring (and also disowning) all that I had...

I saw a little boy grin widely in spite of half a dozen teeth missing... and I wanted to be him... I wanted to smile now and not wait for that kodak moment. Now I truly don't care about my ego pursuits...

A presence

Hmm.. have lost the feel of this blog... been really long. Now that I want to get back. I don't know where to start. I am blank about the ideas from the previous post... I have ideas but they are not the part of the 'to be continued' ...

But I think its a good idea to go the topic of presence - physical and virtual ...yes even the metaphysical (see contradictions and me go hand in hand) and the presence in absence... and a lot of related ideas.
You know, in our formative years... our idea of presence begins with the 'actual' or the physical... in tune with the saying 'seeing is believing'. Then we are introduced slowly to the 'presence in absence' funda... like say pa is out of town you miss him and he's present in your thoughts... this particular funda is oft used (and abused) beauty pageant winners or the aspiring ones...
this somehow brings me to another question - about space or distance... does distance actually make the heart grow fond of the object? I know I am digressing a lot... but its my space and it gotta be cluttered...

All these debates... and consolations about human being being a combo of the physical (body) and the essence (soul) never go down well with me. I have always felt and said that nothing can take away the comfort of physical presence... the security in nearness, in the echo of the familiar voice and in the ownership/ belongingness... Banal or not... this is my truth...

But we haven't yet touched upon the last type - the virtual presence... Be prepared for torrential words devouring session... Lately, I realised that there's something that has managed to give a tough fight to my banal desires... I feel some force that is neither mine, nor will be... in this physical world... which has given me strength what a life full of experiences haven't given... yes I felt the need to possess this force (typical of me)... but then now I feel there's a joy in detached association... there's a joy in belonging without being bound... and yes the presence is in my mind... amoeba-shaped, random... something in the lines of the sweet morning breeze, the first waft of the budding rose, the lightly flying morning mist, the delicate dew... and all those things and feelings that make me feel completely at home... a bond without definition, an alter conscience - a presence